I am the Mountain

I have been waiting for that spark of inspiration to come back. That fire that I know is somewhere in there. But I feared I had lost it. I remember reading a quote from a famous artist, that I admire, and he said “inspiration is for amateurs… the rest of us show up and get to work.”  At the time that I read it, I had no idea how true that could be. But I hate living like that. I don’t expect every day to be miracles and rainbows …. But like, every other day would be nice ; ) … kidding. Even that is a stretch. The problem became, for me anyway, not being able to see the miracles and rainbows that I’m sure were there because I was standing in my own way.

And I stood in my own way for a long time. 2 years actually. And many of you have read my blogs and been part of my world the whole time. I’ve tried to write my way out of it. I’ve started two new careers, simultaneously. I’ve practiced the Japanese art of decluttering your life. I’ve learned how to fast to clear my thoughts and energy. I have WORKED at feeling better every. single. day.  I was trying to conquer the mountain. It wasn’t pretty and it felt lonely.

I think depression can be the most deceptive of all things. It comes in many forms. It’s not always curling in the fetal position for days. It often looks like a busy mom, getting it all done, putting on a smile….. and ending the day completely hollow. Ending the day like nothing is good enough.. she isn’t good enough.. and it will never get better. It takes all of your energy and motivation. It takes the sunshine, the miracles, and the rainbows and makes them seem like every other dull and overcast day.

In our culture, there isn’t a whole lot of support for that kind of thing. We have WAY too much comparison going on with social media  …. Where it is a competition of who has the best kids, house, husband, body, job …. It’s endless. And it’s all presented in the best lighting possible… and it’s all bullshit, ladies. Bullshit. Nobody has a perfect life. Period.

I know all of these things, I say them ad naseam. So how did this all happen to me? I can’t really put a finger on one thing. I know that there were life things that happened that were not exactly ideal…. But I have always been the optimist. I have always been able to think of how to make the most of a shitty situation. I have always loved the possibility of something new and better. It could just be part of getting **gasp** older. Perhaps it finally hit me that I am, in fact, older. Here’s the thing with that … I don’t mind getting older! The wrinkles on my face? Meh…. They’re not great …but they also mean that I am no girl. I am a badass woman who has fought hard for these damn wrinkles. But you ALL know that society and certainly the media don’t feel that way… I am “old” and I should behave accordingly. Also bullshit.

So it was most likely just a slow culmination of all of these things. I think it is super important to write this experience down, however. Because there is no way in hell that I am alone….. and if someone as Glass Half Full …dancing around to Walking On Sunshine, blaring loudly, as myself can become hollowed out and lose hope…..  I’m pretty sure it can happen anyone reading this.

So how did I “snap out of it”???? – I didn’t. I even had a somewhat mental breakdown in my primary care physician’s office at one point because her nurse just came back to work from maternity leave and I made the mistake of telling her my story… well, I started too and then the waterworks happened. And I couldn’t stop them. My physician wanted to prescribe something there and then but I held off. I did promise myself, and my husband, that if it kept happening … I would get more help. That was really when I started to just focus inward to try and help myself.

Ladies, get help if you need it but also …. Give yourself time to heal and understand where the feelings are coming from. Nothing and I mean NOTHING snapped me out of it. I practiced and I teach yoga. I started to recognize that food and alcohol play a huge part in my emotional balance. I found the essential oils that made me feel better and I created a routine for morning meditation. That’s it. And I waited, and I tried to listen to what my heart and mind were telling me…… and then I came to the huge understanding that it was not the mountain I needed to conquer…. It was myself.

So I am working my way back to the sunshine. I’m running again, lifting again….. working my brain in our business that I run with my husband (that one has been super challenging but totally worth it) …… literally just forcing myself to get involved …. Even if it’s just within my own mind. So if you are reading this and feeling that hollow feeling that just plain happens, don’t give up and don’t sabotage yourself into thinking it will never get better. Get out of your own way and stop trying to conquer mountains you have created in your own mind. Focus on you. Believe in the miracles and rainbows of YOU.