You have no idea how many times I have heard this one …..So the short answer to this question is …no. But you’re now reading a blog I wrote so you know you’re going to get the long answer, and that answer is yes…. You have no idea how serious I actually am.
I am fully aware that my true contribution to this planet is 1.) My children and, 2.) My sense of humor. I have been told since I was very young how funny I am. I was voted Class Clown my Senior year of high school… no shock there, I know. But my family… the ones that have to live with me every day… can paint a different picture. That is the part of my life I don’t always share. It’s private and I think being private with our most intimate parts of ourselves is the only thing that we can hold onto anymore. It’s almost sacred to me. So my message here, in this story, is that yes I am funny, yes I appear happy most of the time…. But I choose to be happy. I choose to find humor in the darker times. It’s not that I wake up like a Disney character looking for the good in people and singing to the damn squirrels. Quite the opposite. I’m not a naturally “nice” person…. I work hard at that too. I have learned that the people I have judged or been not-so-nice to …have turned out to have their own burdens to bear and I was wrong ..so wrong in my assessments. I choose, therefore, to be happy ..to try to find the funny.
As with many of the stories I write, I have demons that need to be exorcised. And today is no different. But today I am ready to share this particular demon as an example of how hard it is for me to pull myself back to being happy on any level, at times. So my demon is this… I had a dream. I blame the vividness and realness of the dream on the essential oils I was diffusing for 2 nights because I ran out of lavender essential oil…. But regardless … I had a dream 2 weeks ago. In the dream my son, Jackson came into the room I was in. Not the almost 13-year-old Jackson, the 6 or 7-year-old Jackson that had no front teeth and had a smile that was wide and unburdened. He came running to me and I hugged him… I can feel that hug even now. The whole time I was hugging him and looking at his face I kept thinking “oh Jackson… let me just hug little you one more time because you don’t realize that when you leave this room you won’t be little anymore.”
THAT is the sadness that I actually have felt for 2 weeks now. The tears are flowing now, and every time I think about that damned dream. I was so REAL. Any of my friends reading this that have older children know exactly what this almost mourning feels like. Those little people we loved with our whole hearts are gone, and we can’t get them back. I felt similar being the oldest of 3 children in my own family. I left for college and my baby brother turned into a man-child while I was away…. I know my mother had to feel exactly what I am now feeling.
And still…. I must choose to be happy.
A friend of mine said to me once (in a conversation about having to unfriend someone on Facebook) “What?!? Everyone loves you!”……. Not true ; ) I love that, that was her reaction to the story but In fact my husband stood right behind the “unfriended” as she talked shit about me when I walked away. The same person tried to do the same, but in front of people, I’ve known for years, to both my husband and I at yet another sports event. I was hurt and I was angry….OK, furious is a better term here. But did I take to Facebook or whatever public forum would have been easy, to shout out my anger? Nope.
I chose to be happy.
We are not here to be mean girls and bicker like children, my friends. We are also not here to cry over things lost …. Or perceived to be lost. I mean, shit …I have no idea what we are actually here to do… but I have a sinking suspicion that love and happiness are two big ones.
So today ..and as long as I am able… I am choosing to be happy. I am choosing to find the most absurd and ridiculous things to share on Facebook…. Because they make me laugh hysterically and if I can get one – just one more sad person to laugh when they didn’t want to… that is what I will choose to do. If I can do some stupid thing that makes my naturally serious husband bust out laughing…I will do it every time. If I can get my kids to see something funny in not making a team, failing a test, not wanting to go to 1st grade ….. I will do that every single time. This is how they will survive their own moments of darkness. Humor. Choosing to see something that others may not see. Bringing a small amount of light in a sometimes incredible dark world, and life. My children will not stay my babies and people will probably continue to be or say mean things to me. I will still choose to be happy anyway.
So today, my beautiful friends, choose happy. It may not seem possible… I understand. But one happy thought will lead to another. And if it doesn’t……. go find my Facebook page. I’m sure I posted something stupid (possibly offensive) recently. But it will probably make you laugh…. And THAT is the point in choosing to be happy. Laughter will get you there.