The Change After My Chaos


 

When I write these blogs .. I rarely think about how many people will actually read them. The ideas tend to pop up out of nowhere –  usually after I go for a run, and usually end up being therapeutic for me, actually. I can sit down and hammer out these thoughts and I feel lighter afterward… like a burden has been lifted. I never realized why I felt like this …

I saw a quote the other day that said this “It is important that we share our experiences with other people. Your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story.” WOW…..that is powerful. And explained exactly why, when I write, I feel unburdened. Because I do know that somewhere there has to be at least one woman who is feeling the way I am …that will read it and know that they are not alone. It’s my only hope really.

So I needed to write one last time about the chaos that came before my great changes. And they are great and life altering changes and I finally feel like myself ….but a much better me than I could have hoped for.  And I want the woman out there that reads this in the middle of her chaos …. To know that great change is coming and you will find your happy again.

I don’t want to catalog each thing that happened, starting almost exactly one year ago. I don’t.. but I fear I will anyway. I feel like I have written about this so much already. I have done MUCH to release most of it from my mind and to forgive those that may not deserve forgiveness … but my heart and mind could not go on with the incredible sadness and anger if I didn’t choose forgiveness. I chose to find ways to move past it all….and write about it. Natch.

The chaos … oh the chaos was so great. I am a reasonable person, I understand that all things must change eventually and to fight against that is an exercise in futility. But my family was dealt with so much change all at one time,  it felt like being caught in a tornado where all of the things I was holding onto…that defined me, were being ripped away slowly but forcefully. I saw my husband being treated in such a way that made my heart break for him. Things that had become my daily routine were being, quite literally, sold out from under my feet and my support system was gone. We were forced to make a decision to leave the home we had raised our kids in for 7 seven years, (Ok we hated that house if I’m being honest… and it was falling down around us.) But 7 really important and emotional years were spent there and that decision meant we lost a LOT of money we had invested in a house owned by a person that we had trusted. I finished my very first triathlon and realized that although I was incredibly proud ~ ok insanely proud ~ I was still the same person when I came home. I’m not sure if I thought I would transform into Wonder Woman or She-Ra or something, but it was a really strange feeling to complete a lifelong dream and then feel like you have nowhere to go from there. I had two unexpected deaths of friends, within a few months of each other that shook me completely. One was a young wife and mother and one was a young husband and father – and neither were done telling the stories I felt they had to tell in this life. My baby started Kindergarten … that was the proverbial nail in the coffin. I was so lost. I was angry that everything felt so out of my control…that I could do nothing to change it. Did I mention I was angry? And sad…sad that our family was changing and growing up … and now who am I? Sad and angry that life was so incredibly unfair and cruel.

Yeaaahhh it was a lot …. And it was also bullshit. Not bullshit that I’m still angry and sad over children losing a parent.. that is something we have zero control over.  Bullshit in that I was powerless to change anything that happened to me or around me. Bullshit I tell ya!!! But it doesn’t feel that way when you are smack in the vortex of the tornado shit storm of your life…. It’s hard. Very hard.

As life usually happens … one day started to blend into another. I found that after one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had ..putting our baby boy on a damn bus as he cried in the window and the bus drove away… oh yeah I had a Bloody Mary breakfast that day… I found that he actually loves school. He loves to learn, He is a great student!!  I also learned that even if you set an even bigger goal for yourself … it doesn’t mean you’ll be happy.  I found that nothing will fill the void ….nothing will make you comfortable in the stillness of your own mind except sitting in it, quite literally. This is where yoga comes into my life. I have actually been practicing yoga for about 6 years but it wasn’t until the only thing that I had left, that felt familiar, was yoga…did I start to learn the lessons I needed to learn.

And look, I talk about essential oils ALL DAY LONG….. but guess what? I didn’t even know what they were 2 years ago. And I’m going to let you in on a little something … I didn’t believe any of it would do anything helpful. But for some reason, I was open to learning. I was open to possibilities, even in the chaos those little bottles of oil started to heal parts of me I didn’t even know I could heal. And when I had nothing left to give .. I started to listen. I had very little to offer anyone …so I listened. And you know what happened then? I started to hear the things I was meant to hear. If they had been said to me even 6 months earlier I may have heard them … but I wouldn’t have listened. I listened to the suggestions from a friend that allowed me to make the decisions I needed to make and to start asking the questions that were important, and that have led me to some of the greatest changes I have ever felt. I have met people that live across the country… that profoundly affected me and taught me to open my eyes to opportunities and possibilities I just did not believe were ever going to be available to me. I’m a yoga TEACHER now… what?!?

Is everything perfect? Absolutely not. This is real life … not a movie, not something I can edit to make look better. But after all of that chaos… almost a year of it.. the great changes are happening. I’m learning to listen, I’m learning to just ask for what I want, I’m learning that I do have something to give and I’m happy to give it. In fact, I’m just plain happy. This my dear friends is what I want to say most of all. You can find the happy again…. You may need some yoga and to dunk your head in a bowl of essential oils ……. But the happiness in the change is out there waiting for you to find it.

 

THE END (of that story anyway)