Yes….. I’m the mom who forgot to buy cleats for the first (and second) practice…


Actually I forgot his mouth guard and elbow pads too, but hey I got him there dammit!! In all honesty I almost DIDN’T get him there … I read the e-mail literally the afternoon before the practice, that we were having our first practice. Yeaaaahh I also am the proud owner of a 5 year old who just learned sign language…. Not the good kind. No one is fessing up to teaching him that one. Oh and I completely forgot to send in any forms, what so ever, on the mandatory Science Fair project for my 5th grader. Oh yeah I’m like 3 months behind on that …. I wouldn’t even be that up to date if another mom hadn’t informed me that our kids are doing the project together …. And oh yeah, where the hell are your forms you’re behind by 3 months on? Also, if you ask anyone employed in the front office of any of the three schools my kids are spread out in, any form coming from our house will have at least one peanut butter, coffee, or wine (on a rough week) stain on it. So for all the moms out there who have ever asked me how I do it … or if you are just meeting me and cannot imagine how I keep a family of 7’s shit together ……. The real answer my dears is … I don’t.

But listen …. there is a lot of shit I do manage to do. Like I just fully folded and distributed a metric ton of laundry to all of my boys’ rooms where they will promptly disregard this amazing feat and then clothes won’t get put away, will end up on the floor, and I will then go on laundry strike until the little bastards don’t have any clean underwear, just to flex my mom muscle and show them who is boss in this joint….. progress not perfection, right? Well… look at least they have underwear for a week.

I also managed to convince my trainer that Ningxia Red has to be part of my 12 week comp prep meal plan. That was no easy task, ladies and gentleman. I may have dove into essential oil nirvana, head first … but she hasn’t bought into my shit just yet……YET Buwahahahahahahha……. I digress, my point is that it is so, so easy to look around you and see all that you have not gotten right today, or in a while with your kids, your house, your relationship with your husband.. whatever. There is SO MUCH to keep track of. One of the best things I ever read when I was a young mom was “You can have it all, but you can’t have it all at once.” That was revolutionary to me back then…. And I have to remind myself of this ALL THE TIME … even now as a not-so-young-anymore mom.

It’s made even more frustrating and hard to remember that quote in the age of social media. Don’t get me wrong…. I love, love, love that I can reconnect with old friends from my hometown or that I can make new friends I never would have met otherwise. I am also constantly inspired by the things people are doing all over the world that I would never know about without this social media thing. But my biggest concern is that somewhere out there, there is a young mom who feels completely incompetent because her “friends” are better at creating a fantasy land than she is …..’cause it’s a fantasy land if your house is super clean, you have amazing little off spring (who are also always clean and always have matching socks), your bod is rockin’, and your husband is just always thoughtful and helpful and thinks you are amazing. I call bull shit. No one, and I mean no one can keep all those balls in the air without hired help and a large dose of Valium or some shit. We aren’t Stepford wives (Google that one) ladies.

What we are is amazing and smart, and uniquely getting through our lives the best way we know how. So sometimes….just sometimes you need to put that damn Facebook, Instagram, Snap Chat, Twitter, etc. shit down and just breathe……… Maybe fold some laundry, maybe read a new book, maybe just have a cup of coffee and remember it only lasts for just a little while ….and then you’ll be retired and your husband will be bugging the shit out of you all day because he’s bored. But hey if there are no kids at home, day drinking isn’t as irresponsible sounding … kidding. Not really.

Now I must excuse myself and find pants for my vulgar little 5 year old… and yes he’s been pant less until now … and it’s 3 o’clock. Ooops.